


you see my hope was all but gone

by melonews



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Ambiguous Relationships, Childhood Friends, Childhood Memories, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative, Nostalgia, Reunions, Sad Ending, renjun makes jewelry its important to me that u know this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-28
Updated: 2019-05-28
Packaged: 2020-03-20 17:52:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,807
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18997564
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/melonews/pseuds/melonews
Summary: Donghyuck was always the big dreamer between the two of them, the one that was going to make it big one day.





	you see my hope was all but gone

**Author's Note:**

> [180528]
> 
> i got the idea after watching a hallmark movie… disgusting i am disgusting  
> stream superhuman by nct 127 btw

Donghyuck was always the big dreamer between the two of them, the one that was going to make it big one day. 

 

 

 

_They’re on the top of Renjun’s older brother’s truck that he stole for the night. The stars are out, blinking big and shiny on the sky. Maybe Renjun will paint it someday._

_Donghyuck lays next to him, body radiating too much heat for a summer night. Renjun squirms away, realizing belatedly that there’s nowhere to go, lest he wants to tumble off the side of the car._

_It’s a quiet night, and Renjun’s content to keep it that way. But Donghyuck has never been quiet._

_“It makes you feel… small, don’t you think?” Donghyuck says, staring resolutely up at the sky. Renjun hums. “Like there’s more out there, bigger than you, and you’re not as important as you think you are.”_

_The older huffs a laugh. “That’s cheerful.”_

_Renjun can hear the smile in his voice when he says, “Maybe so. But to me, it kinda inspires you to want to make yourself bigger. Y’know? Like. If you don’t want to feel insignificant, you gotta make something of yourself. Make yourself one of the stars.” He turns on his side, propping himself up on his arm, and looks down on Renjun. His eyes are hard, glinting with determination. “And that starts by getting out of here.”_

 

 

 

Renjun doesn’t recognize him at first. 

In fact, it’s Chenle who tells him, as they’re walking through the art festival. Chenle gasps besides him, stopping and squinting at someone down a couple of stalls. His fingers dig into Renjun’s arm, causing the older to hiss in pain. 

“Ge.” Renjun ignores him, focusing instead on the jewelry in the stall before them. “Ge.” A bracelet catches his eye, and he leans forward to look at it closer before Chenle yanks his arm to get his attention. “ _Ge._ ” 

“ _What,_ Chenle.” 

The younger doesn’t say anything, just nods at something behind Renjun. He turns, but nothing catches his eye. “What?” Renjun says, eyebrow raised. 

Chenle rolls his eyes, turning Renjun back around, forcibly facing him towards a boy talking to Jeno down at his pottery vendor. “That’s Donghyuck.” 

Renjun squints. It can’t be. The boy turns a little, his face becoming more visible and Renjun almost gasps. It is Donghyuck. “What the fuck,” he whispers, before he’s off, walking down to the stall. Chenle makes a noise of protest behind him before he hurries after him. 

As he approaches the stall, Jeno looks over Donghyuck, eyebrows quirking up in bewilderment. Now that he’s closer, it’s easier to see the differences in Donghyuck that made him harder to recognize. For one, his hair is bright red, a far cry from the natural black it used to be. For another, he does _not_ fit in, with his many piercings and rings, skinny jeans, flowy crop top, and leather boots. But still, Renjun doesn’t know how he didn’t recognize him at first; he sticks out like a sore thumb, and that had always been Donghyuck, hadn’t it? 

“Lee Donghyuck?” 

 

 

 

_Renjun wakes up to the first snow of the season and to incessant pounding on his front door. He shuffles downstairs, rubbing his eyes blearily as he walks through the cold and empty house. He should’ve grabbed socks._

_“Donghyuck,” Renjun sighs as he opens the door, “what are you doing here.”_

_The boy in question beams at Renjun, hurrying to push past and get into the warm house. “I’m so glad you asked,” he said and then promptly sauntered off to Renjun’s living room._

_Renjun’s quick to follow him. “Well? Aren’t you going to answer me?”_

_Donghyuck looks up in surprise from where he’s burrowing himself into a blanket nest. “No. I’m just glad you asked. Now. Come sit.” He pats the space next to him, graciously opening up his blanket bundle to allow Renjun to join him._

_After a few minutes of sitting in silence, Renjun clears his throat and speaks. “So. Is there any particular reason why you woke me up at ass o’clock in the morning —”_

_“It’s nine in the morning, that isn’t ass —”_

_“— to steal my couch?”_

_Donghyuck huffs. “What, I can’t come bother my best friend without a reason?” And even though they’ve been pronounced best friends since the first recess in second grade, Renjun still warms at the words._

_“No,” he concedes. “But usually you do.”_

_“Yeah, well,” Donghyuck shifts agitatedly, “this time I don’t.”_

_And Renjun knows he’s lying, but he doesn’t push, because that’s just how it works, and anyway, Renjun would be stupid — which he will_ never _admit to being — if he couldn’t piece together why Donghyuck was there._

_“Alright. So. The Umbrella Academy or Marvel?” Renjun asks, picking up the remote to scroll through Netflix, purposefully not addressing the elephant in the room._

_Donghyuck scoffs as he relaxes against him. “Nerd. The Umbrella Academy.”_

_The episode starts, and Donghyuck gets more and more invested in the storyline they both know like the back of their hands, and Renjun resolutely does not address or even think about the elephant in the room._

_Because college decisions come out in a few days, and Renjun knows Donghyuck won’t stay._

 

 

 

“Huang Renjun?” Donghyuck said back, eyes wide with surprise. “Oh my god, is that you?” He rushed forward, gathering the smaller in his arms. “Holy shit, I haven’t seen you in forever!” 

Renjun pats his back, still shocked. Jeno laughs at him quietly from behind his booth. 

“Yeah. It’s been a while, hasn’t it?” Renjun says after they part, pushing his bangs back and nervously fixing his sun hat. He ignores Chenle and Jeno snickering a couple of feet away, and instead focuses on Donghyuck, who’s obviously checking out Renjun. He opens his mouth to start a conversation, ask how he’s been, _why_ he’s back, but is loudly interrupted. 

“Oh my god! It’s Haechan!” A loud shriek echoes throughout the festival, and heads turn, Renjun’s included. A group of girls are practically sprinting to where they are, and Renjun hears Donghyuck curse explicitly. He turns back to the superstar, and blinks bewilderedly at Chenle who’s standing there, holding a basket of pottery and looking equally as confused.   

The girls stampede towards the booth, only to screech to a halt once they realize Haechan is no longer there. 

“Where is he?” demands a girl at the front of the pack. Renjun tries to stifle a laugh at her affronted look. 

“Where’s who?” Jeno asks, a look of confusion masking his face. 

“Haechan! We just saw him at this booth.” The girls grumble when Jeno continues to stare at them. “You know, the singer? Really tall, hot, legs to die for, and a killer voice. You must’ve heard of him.” 

Jeno laughs awkwardly. “I’m sorry; I have no clue who you’re talking about.” A couple girls gasp. Renjun has to bite his lip to stop from laughing. 

The pack leader practically snarls, “What do you _mean_ you don’t know him? He’s like, the biggest sensation in the music industry right now! What do you even listen to?”

“The wails of despair of my dance students,” Jeno says, completely serious. Some of the girls shuffle uneasily before Jeno speaks again. “And while I’m very sure he is all those things you’ve mentioned, I still have absolutely no idea who you’re talking about and I have customers waiting very patiently for my assistance,” he finishes, gesturing to Chenle. 

The pack of girls grumble before slinking off disappointedly, and it’s not until they’ve been gone for over five minutes that Jeno gives Donghyuck the all clear. 

The boy pops up, brushing his bangs out of his burning face. “Jeno, I am so sorry you had to deal with that—” but Jeno brushes him off. 

“It’s fine. I’ll just charge you extra on the pottery.” He smiles with all teeth, before relaxing into a more natural expression. “I’m kidding, obviously.” Donghyuck laughs a bit uncomfortably. 

“Alright. But still, thanks for doing that. Have you never actually heard of me?”

Jeno snorts. “What, are you kidding? The kids have dance offs to your songs all the time.” Donghyuck gapes at him. “Now, not that I don’t want to keep talking, but you really should find a way to blend in better, and your total is 50 thousand won.” 

Transactions are made, and Donghyuck still hasn’t been able to wipe the shocked look off his face, not even when Jeno and Chenle both offer up Renjun to take him shopping, and Renjun glowers at them before leading the idol away and onto the stranded back roads. 

It takes him a couple of minutes, but then Donghyuck is whipping around and demanding, “Does Jeno have kids? What the fuck?” 

“Oh, no. Jeno and Jisung have a dance studio and Jeno calls the dance team his kids. Now, let’s go get you looking like an idol didn’t throw up on you.” 

Donghyuck’s “But I _am_ an idol” falls on deaf ears. 

 

 

 

Despite being apart from each other for over five years, Renjun finds it easy to slip into easy banter and to talk without any awkwardness. But then again, they don’t stray from the light topics. Neither brings up their past or why Donghyuck hadn’t kept in touch with Renjun, a silent agreement between the two. 

However, Renjun does ask why he’s home, and Donghyuck answers with an embarrassed smile stretching across his face. “Well, I help in some of the writing of my own music, right? And I haven’t been getting any inspiration. Believe me, I probably killed a forest with how much paper I’ve used for lyrics before eventually throwing them out.” He shakes his head, chuckling a little. “And Jaemin — um, you know Na Jaemin right? — he told me to go home, said that always helped him.”

Renjun nods in understanding. “Well, feel inspired yet?” He gestures to the dumpster and graffiti one the walls of the alley they’re walking through to get to the next store. 

Donghyuck laughs loud and bright, shoulders shaking with it. “Yes. My next hit will be in support of all vandalizers.” He raises a fist as he breaks into another fit of laughter, Renjun joining in.

“But seriously, has anything helped you yet? Because I could bring you to the different nature spots if that might help you?” Renjun offers. “It always helps me when I’m short on inspiration.” 

“I would love that. I’m here for a week,” he says, sending a wide smile to him that leaves him breathless. Renjun ignores the feelings bubbling in his chest as he weakly replies, “Great.” 

 

 

 

_Donghyuck feels things strongly or doesn’t feel them at all, and Renjun is reminded of this as he’s dragged into an empty classroom during lunch by a red-faced Donghyuck._

_He sits on top of a desk, patiently waiting as he watches Donghyuck pace back and forth, chest heaving and angrily wiping tears off his face._

_After a good couple of minutes, Donghyuck stops and turns to face Renjun, but his face has gotten redder and he seems to be even angrier._

_“I hate this fucking town,” Donghyuck starts, and Renjun nods, silently reaching out and taking Donghyuck’s hand in his. He rubs his thumb in circles soothingly as Donghyuck seethes, anger pouring off of him in waves._

_Renjun sits there and listens, as Donghyuck rants about the pricks in their town, how they make fun of anybody wanting to actually do something other than be a replica of their parents, and how they spent an entire study hall arguing with him about how it’s useless to want to be a singer, even bringing up how disappointed Donghyuck’s parents were (which they_ weren’t, _just… barely supportive)._

_“All I want to do is sing, and no one wants me to! I can’t do anything but what’s been lined up for me. It’s so controlling and restricting, and I swear I’m suffocating the longer I stay here. Not even my parents want me to succeed.” Donghyuck sighs, all the anger seemingly leaving him in one long puff of air. He slumps against the desk, flopping his head onto Renjun’s lap. The older abandons Donghyuck’s hand in favor of running his fingers through his hair soothingly._

_Eventually Renjun speaks. “Hello? Is that Donghyuck speaking?” He raps his knuckles on Donghyuck’s head a couple times, laughing quietly when Donghyuck groans and blindly reaches out to slap at the older. “When has the Donghyuck I know ever let any stupid pricks, who don’t even have a future, get to him, when he already_ knows _that he’s going to become a thousand times more popular than them?”_

_Donghyuck’s reply is muffled when he admits, “Never…”_

_“Right, so don’t start now. Or I’ll kick your ass.” Renjun feels Donghyuck smile against his thigh and he lets out an inaudible sigh of relief. As Renjun thinks of what to say next, Donghyuck jerks up, staring up at Renjun hopefully._

_“Let’s leave,” he blurts out. Renjun stares. “Seriously, let’s just run away and go and become great. Right now.”_

_Renjun laughs nervously. “Hyuck, we can’t become great without our diploma.”_

_Donghyuck waves it off. “Fine, then we’ll leave right after graduation. You’re always saying I’ll become great, and your art will definitely get you famous. We can make it, so. Let’s just leave.”_

_Renjun stares, mouth opening and closing but nothing comes out. Donghyuck is still looking at him excitedly, like he just figured everything out, but Renjun can’t leave._

_The bell rings, and Donghyuck remains unanswered._

 

 

 

It’s when they’re laughing together over a basket of fries and onion rings, that Renjun realizes how much he’s missed Donghyuck. The younger is practically falling out of the diner booth after snorting soda out of his nose in response to Renjun recounting a story of their childhood.

After a couple more minutes, Donghyuck pulls himself together, wheezing to himself and wiping away a stray tear, and Renjun can’t help but think that he looks beautiful like this. 

Donghyuck finally stops laughing and turns to face Renjun, smiling confusedly when he sees Renjun just staring at him. Renjun clears his throat, willing away the blush.

“So. About the nature spots…” 

Donghyuck nods excitedly, already calling over the waiter to pay for the meal. He silences Renjun’s protests, and then they’re off. 

Renjun decides to take him to the lake that was Renjun’s, and so Donghyuck’s, escape place during his childhood. To do that, they have to hike up one of the smaller mountains, and Renjun doesn’t know how Donghyuck will take it. When they were younger, Donghyuck would race Renjun up the mountain and the loser would be shoved in the lake, but Renjun doesn’t know how he’ll act now. Fame generally changes a person, especially idols. 

They chat on their way up, taking their time. Donghyuck talks about the idol life and his idol friends, Na Jaemin and Mark Lee. Renjun has to stop multiple times to lean up against the trees in fits of laughter at the stories Donghyuck tells him, which have obviously not made their way to the media. 

(“No, I swear I’m _not_ lying! Mark hyung started a mini fire trying to fry the vegetables, and Jaemin threw the whole chicken on top of it, because _why waste resources?"_ ) 

In return, Renjun updates him on everyone’s lives and what he’s missed. Donghyuck is apparently shocked to know that Jeno is dating Jisung and they’re practically a married couple now.

(“When did that even happen? Oh my god?” 

“Hm, during my freshman year of college. Jeno was helping him with a choreo for the dance team, and Jisung fell on him and somehow broke his finger. And then they confessed somehow in the hospital.” Renjun makes a face. “I try not to ask too many details; they’re disgusting.”) 

Donghyuck isn’t shocked that they have opened a dance studio together, though, and even says, “I always thought that Jeno could be an idol if he wanted to. He’s an amazing dancer. Hot, too.” Renjun tries to ignore the last comment. 

“What’s Chenle been up to?” 

And Renjun tells him. Tells him about how Chenle is working his ass off to get his bachelor’s in education, specifically in teaching Chinese. Tells him about the hours he’s put in, and how much he works with kids to prepare himself, even working at a daycare. Tells him about how he’s even practiced teaching Chinese by trying to teach Jeno and Jisung. Renjun can’t help the pride that slips into his voice. 

This apparently also shocks Donghyuck. 

“I didn’t think he would go into teaching… But I’m sure he’ll be great at it!” he says with a bright smile, and Renjun can’t help but stare because it’s just _weird_ that Donghyuck is shocked. It’s a slap in the face because even if this is Lee Donghyuck, the boy he grew up with and knew better than he knew himself, it’s a different Lee Donghyuck, one that is shocked to hear the futures of his friends that had become so obvious as they grew older. One that Renjun doesn’t know.

He shakes the thought away just in time to hear Donghyuck’s next question. 

“What about you? You’re talking about everyone but yourself.” 

Renjun laughs softly, noticing they’re almost to the top. “Oh, I haven’t been doing much. Just some art. I made some jewelry, too. Nothing fancy.” 

Donghyuck huffs, looking back at Renjun from his step ahead. “You always used to do this. Just be proud of yourself and stop downplaying it.” He stares at Renjun calculatingly. “I’m sure your jewelry is beautiful; nothing you make could be ugly. I might have to buy some before I leave so I can wear it on stage.” 

“Oh no, you don’t have to do that.” Renjun blushes, as he reaches Donghyuck at the top.

“Alright so I will then.” And before Renjun can argue anymore, he feels himself being shoved before he’s in the air, and he screams as he hits the water. Donghyuck splashes next to him, and when he surfaces, he’s roaring with laughter. 

“Your face! Oh god that was so funny,” Donghyuck chokes out between laughs. Renjun splashes water at him and then he’s choking for real. 

“I hate you, dickwad. Why did you do that?” He glares at Donghyuck. 

Donghyuck brushes away his wet bangs sticking to his forehead. “Because I was first. You’re just slow.” 

Renjun glowers at him before splashing him again. 

As they fight in the water, Renjun can see the Donghyuck he knew shining through, and thinks and lets himself hope that maybe the new Donghyuck isn't all that different. Maybe they could be how they once were.

 

 

 

_Graduation is met with tears (on Renjun’s part) and never ending shouts of excitement (from Donghyuck)._

_Donghyuck struts across the gym floor to receive his diploma, with only the confidence he could have, a bright smile nearly ripping his face in half. Renjun feels ecstatic for him, but he can’t ignore the sadness that overwhelms him when he realizes that this is it._

_The rest of the ceremony passes in a blur, and soon Renjun is being shoved against people and passed along for pictures, not even knowing who he’s next to, just smiling on instinct._

_He breaks away for a couple seconds for some air, and barely manages to make himself walk to the bathrooms instead of sprinting away._

_Renjun gets a barely a minute to himself, to blink away the tears threatening to spill, before the door is opening and Donghyuck, in all his euphoric radiance, is standing in front of Renjun._

_Renjun tries to smile, can feel it wavering, as he tries to pretend like his world isn’t about to start burning._

_“You’re finally out of here.” He mimes a reporter, holding out his fist as a microphone to ask, “And how do you, Lee Donghyuck, feel about being finally able to leave his hellhole?”_

_Donghyuck smirks, leaning in to say, “I feel fan-fucking-tastic. It’s the best moment of my fucking life.” But as soon as he says that, his smile drops a little and concern washes over his features. “Are you okay?”_

_Renjun lies, but he doesn’t know why; it’s not like Donghyuck wouldn’t be able to tell. “Yeah, just a lot of people.”_

_He levels him with a stare. “Jun. I know you. What’s wrong?”_

_Tears spill over before Renjun can stop them. He wipes them away quickly, but Donghyuck sees them. “Fine. I’m sad, alright? You’re leaving. You don’t have to stay anymore.”_

_Donghyuck immediately reaches out and wraps Renjun in his arms. “I know. You’re the only good thing about this place. But it’s not like we’ll never see each other again, right? We’ve got phones, and you’re a dumbass if you think I won’t be facetiming you at all times. And who knows, I might come back. You might convince me.”_

_Renjun sniffles. “No, you won’t.” Because no matter how much this hurts, how bad he knows he will miss Donghyuck, no matter whatever Renjun feels, he will never try to get Donghyuck back here. This is his cage, and he’s finally been given his wings, and Renjun would be damned if he stopped him from flying._

 

 

 

Donghyuck and Renjun have been hanging out a lot, cramming years of catching up into less than seven days. With this, Renjun not only learns what Donghyuck’s been doing, but also about the new person he’s become. In return, Renjun does the same, and the pair grow closer with every day. 

Early in the morning they meet up, they go around town for a while before Renjun drags Donghyuck away to another inspirational spot of nature, and they talk and talk and talk, before bidding each other good night late into the evening. 

(Once, Renjun asks Donghyuck if he’s gotten inspiration for his song yet, and Donghyuck stares at him for a long time with a look that Renjun can’t decipher before responding with, “I think it’s getting there.”)

It’s becoming Renjun’s favorite week, and he can feel himself growing more hopeful (that he’s here to stay, that they’ll stay together finally, that they’ll never part) with every late night he spends with Donghyuck. 

It’s after one of these late nights, when he comes home to his shared place with Chenle, to find Chenle still awake even though it’s just shy of midnight, and that Jeno and Jisung are over. 

He drops his keys in the bowl in the hallway, toeing off his shoes and making his way to the living room. “Hey guys,” he says as he plops down on their worn down recliner, adjacent from the other boys. He raises an eyebrow at their nervous looks. “What’s up?” 

Chenle is the one to speak first, gaze flickering between Jeno and Jisung. “Ge, we’ve all been thinking, and we just — well, we just think that you should be careful.”

Renjun snorts. “Okay. Why, though?” 

“Well. You’ve been getting closer again to Donghyuck again, and we just don’t want you to get hurt.” It’s Jisung that speaks this time. He looks at Renjun steadily even as Renjun stiffens. 

“Guys, I’ll be fine alright? He’s just here for a week. I’m making sure he’s not lonely and trampled by crazy fans.” He laughs nervously, not meeting any of their eyes.

Jeno gives him a smile, one that’s filled with concern but Renjun ignores that. “We know, Junnie. We just don’t want you getting hurt again. You remember what happened last time.” 

And Renjun supposes they have a right to be worried, thinking back to the mess he was for the first half of the year after Donghyuck ghosted him. 

He smiles. “Don’t worry guys. It won’t be like that again.” 

 

 

 

_The day that Donghyuck leaves, Renjun barely is able to get out of bed, too fucking sad to even think about getting up and moving. But he eventually does, because if he’s miserable now, he’d be even more so if he missed Donghyuck’s sending off._

_They all meet at the bus stop. Chenle, Jisung, Jeno, and Renjun all stand before Donghyuck, teary-eyed. They force him into endless hugs and demand that he promises he’ll spam them with never ending messages and never stop contacting them. It feels like it takes ages yet is going too fast at the same time, as they all try to spend as much time together before the eventual departure. But as the time that Donghyuck’s bus leaves draws nearer the other three leave until it’s just Renjun (Jeno tells him later, when he asks, that it was for privacy)._

_The two stand together, shoulder to shoulder. Donghyuck’s bag stands in between them. It’s a battered, old suitcase that is about to burst at the seems, filled with all of Donghyuck. He’s leaving without anything but what he could carry. Renjun doesn’t know what to think of it._

_Silence passes between them, and eventually they see the bus rumbling down the road. They turn towards each other._

_“So. I guess this is it,” Renjun says, not moving to wipe away the first tear that escapes his eye._

_“Yeah.” Donghyuck clears his throat._

_“Keep in touch, okay?” Renjun’s voice breaks. The bus pulls into the stop._

_Donghyuck nods. “I will.” And then he’s walking off towards the doors that are opening for him, welcoming him to his new life. Renjun’s shoulders shake._

_But then there’s a loud smack as suitcase meets concrete, as Donghyuck drops his suitcase and sprints back to Renjun, throwing himself on top of him. “I’ll miss you,” he whispers into the older’s hair. Renjun feels more tears spill over, and he hugs Donghyuck tighter._

_They stay there for as long as they dare, before Donghyuck pulls away because he does have a bus to get on. He doesn’t make any move to leave, though, and just stares at Renjun, tears welling up._

_“Come with me,” he begs desperately._

_Renjun sniffles, wiping at his eyes. “You know I can’t. This,” he gestures to the town around him, “is my life. I’m never going to leave this place.” He hesitates before running back to Donghyuck and hugging him the tightest he could. “I love you,” he whispers, before pulling back and shoving Donghyuck onto the bus._

_Donghyuck’s “I love you, too” is cut off by the bus doors closing._

_As it pulls away, Renjun waves back to Donghyuck in the window. He waves until his arm hurts, but he doesn’t stop, not until the bus rattles away and out of sight and becomes a black dot in the horizon._

_The months following Donghyuck leaving are strange. They still text daily, hourly even, and facetime almost every night. Renjun can almost pretend that Donghyuck is just on another vacation._

_They talk through Donghyuck’s audition at an entertainment company, through the long weeks waiting for the response, through the trainee days. Renjun is there for it._

_He’s there when the company tells Donghyuck he’ll be debuting as a new solo idol, and he’s awakened at three o’clock in the morning to Donghyuck’s screams and sobs of joy._

_He’s there when Donghyuck becomes Haechan, and the teasers begin to drop, and he sees the public start to pay attention to him._

_He’s there when Donghyuck does debut, when he charts in the Top 50 on Melon. He listens to the song that Donghyuck put his life into, and can’t stop himself from beaming with pride, nearly bursting at the seams with it, whenever he hears it played on the radio._

_Following the debut are talk shows, stages, and interviews that seem to be endless. Donghyuck responds late, but always apologizes for taking days to respond, and then moves onto a new conversation with Renjun._

_The days that Donghyuck can’t text him back are long but blur together, until all he can focus on is when Donghyuck will respond. Jeno tells him it isn’t healthy to center his entire world around Donghyuck. Renjun ignores him._

_Donghyuck has a comeback and South Korea eats it up, and the song debuts on Melon’s Top 10._

_It takes longer for Donghyuck to respond now, and he stops apologizing for taking so long. Facetimes are barely a monthly occurrence._

_The days blur together. All Renjun wants is a text back. He ignores everything else, from Chenle’s texts laced with worry to Jeno’s constant concern that hovers behind Renjun as he stops going out, stops eating as much, stops_ caring. 

_His grades drop. He doesn’t do anything he used to do. His tools for designing jewelry stay in the corner of his room, gathering dust. He sleeps more, rarely getting out of his bed for anything other than class. His world has stopped, a planet frozen on its axis._

_He knows Jeno, Jisung, and Chenle are all worried, but he can barely bring himself to care. All he can focus on is how long it’s been since Donghyuck has texted back._

_And then, Donghyuck replies. Renjun’s world starts again._

_Donghyuck acts as if he hadn’t ignored Renjun for three weeks, and his replies are shorter than before. But Renjun understands, because Donghyuck is an idol and there’s a lot going on, and he doesn’t really mind as long as Donghyuck keeps texting him._

_But then the time between texts stretches longer and longer, and the replies grow shorter and shorter, until all Renjun has is his “Happy New Year’s!!! <3” text that’s left on read._

_Renjun becomes a shell. His friends are worried, he can tell, but what’s the use in anything if all that’s left to him is emptiness? His world has stopped, and Renjun has never felt this cold._

 

 

 

The week passes by quickly until suddenly it’s the Tuesday that Donghyuck has to leave. 

They go together to the airport that’s almost an hour away, and they fill the car with conversation, as if they aren’t about to say goodbye again. Renjun forces himself not to think about what Donghyuck leaving means, or what could happen once he’s gone. 

They make their way through the airport in silence (only Renjun’s mind isn’t silent; it’s full of thoughts and worries and it gets louder with each step), and right when Donghyuck has to leave, he turns to Renjun and says seriously, “Thank you so much, Renjun. This week has been _phenomenal_. I’m so grateful for you.” Renjun warms at that, worries quelling for a minute. 

He smiles, pushing his anxieties deep down. “Of course. I think that was the best week I’ve had in awhile.” They meet in a hug, and both grab at each other tightly. Renjun holds him, trying not to think that this is the last time Renjun will have Donghyuck this close. 

“Promise me, we’ll keep in touch, okay?” Renjun ventures, hoping for something better this time around. And it’s stupid to hope, because everyone says history repeats itself but Renjun can’t help but be foolish and wish that they will be different. 

Donghyuck nods fervently, bringing Renjun even closer to him. Renjun tries to not to think of the first time he left, and instead smiles and hugs Donghyuck tighter in return, and thinks that this time, things will be better. They have to be. 

He waves once and doesn’t watch Donghyuck leave him for a second time.

 

 

 

They do end up staying in touch, for a good number of weeks — nearly three months — before it eventually tapers until it dies off completely.  

It’s fine, Renjun tells himself. Donghyuck is busy, and Renjun would be an ass to ask him to put him before his career. And maybe some friends aren’t meant to stay friends, and that just has to be _fine._

(That doesn’t stop his chest from panging with hurt every time he opens his messages and looks at the one from Donghyuck saying “We’ll be friends for a long time Renjunnie!!~~~”) 

Donghyuck has another comeback, a month after they stop talking, and it gets a Perfect All Kill. 

Renjun doesn’t listen to it for a week. When he does, he can’t stop the tears that just never stop. In the song, Donghyuck croons about long lost friends, mourns friendships that never last and the lonely feeling that follows the end. 

Chenle walks in to see Renjun staring off at nothing on the couch, a blanket wrapped around himself and Donghyuck’s new song playing through the living room on repeat. He barely hears Chenle’s “oh no” and doesn’t register anything happening, not Chenle sitting next to him and hugging him, or the phone call Chenle makes, or even the door opening. He only notices what’s going on when Jeno and Jisung are there, joining Chenle in hugging Renjun. 

His eyes are dry as he continues to stare off dazedly, the song the only sound. Soon that stops too, Jisung having turned it off. They all sit there, hugging Renjun, and no one speaks. 

 

 

 

It’s New Year’s Eve. Renjun is out, focusing only on the beat resonating throughout Jeno and Jisung’s dance studio where they’re hosting a party with all their dance students and friends. Chenle is next to him, making conversation with another Chinese man, who is taller than anyone and matches Chenle’s loudness. Renjun smiles to himself as he sees Chenle talking with him with a look of pure happiness on his face.

The rest of the party goes on smoothly, with Renjun flitting between everyone and never giving himself much time to think. Soon enough, they’re all joining in in a deafening countdown from ten. When the countdown hits zero and the screams erupt, Renjun slips outside for some cool air, but not without seeing Jisung and Jeno kissing sweetly, and Chenle and the tall guy sharing a small peck, both of them blushing. 

He stares up at the stars and wonders if Donghy—people in the city can see them at all. He takes out his phone, and stares at the open messaging app, debating. 

After minutes of being at war with himself, Renjun finally texts Donghyuck “Happy New Year” before turning off his phone and heading back inside, forcing himself not to think about it any longer. 

(When he wakes in the morning, he doesn't check his messages. The reminder of it burns itself in Renjun, an imprint seared into his mind that he is reminded of every time he closes his eyes. It's all he can think about, even though he tries desperately to think of anything but.

 _It was a moment of weakness,_ he tells himself, trying to convince himself that it doesn't matter, that he won't check. 

Eventually, though, he gives into the war going on inside himself. He caves, and goes to check his messages, fighting to stop any sort of weed of hope from growing. The bright _read_ symbol stares up at him.)

**Author's Note:**

> this took me forever and i'm rlly proud of it, it's like my first actually developed fic  
> i hope u guys like it!!!


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